I have a lot on my mind.
It’s currently Sunday, November 26th at 12:28 AM. I came back from Friendsgiving, unpacked a little more from my Taiwan/California trip, showered, and am now sitting in the living room in my big yellow T-shirt and underwear and my legs propped up on a box under the kitchen table. The living room also serves as the dining room, as the real dining room has been converted to a bedroom.
Tears are welling up at my eyes right now, and I’m fighting them from rolling down my cheeks. I failed. They’re silent tears. I rarely cry nowadays, but when I do, they’re all silent tears. I used to ugly cry all the time fighting with my sister.
I’m unsure how to organize my thoughts because everything just wants to come out, so – if you can – stick with me.
2017 is up in the “Hardest Years of My Life” list
One: all the Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, Kevin Spacey, and other sexual assault stories are constant reminders of my own experience that happened this past April. After it happened, I hated the male gender because I believed that they were one-track minded fuckers who will stick their dicks into any vagina they could find. I was very angry and scared for a long time. Rarely went out at night anymore. Didn’t enjoy being at bars or clubs. Barely drank anymore, and two drinks at most if I did.
I was scared to sleep at night.
I barely slept for 4 months.
I had to tire my brain out so that I could knock the fuck out when my head hit the pillow. Even then, my body felt like it had to be on alert for any danger… for anyone who could burst through my door… and I would be exhausted when I woke up the next day. Sometimes I woke up screaming because I would have flashbacks of what happened. Sometimes I was trapped in a nightmare where I was running from a man, and for some reason I knew if he caught me, he would rape me. Most days I woke up with dried tears on my face.
I tried resuming normal life around June. By normal life, I mean dating. And by dating, I mean online dating. When guys would sidle up to me, my brain would suddenly become alert and I felt the need to punch anything that moved too quickly towards me. How do I know this guy isn’t like that other motherfucker? How do I know if there are any good guys left in the world? Why are you so fucking close to me? There was this one guy who enjoyed squeezing my shoulders, and freezing chills would race down my entire body. I couldn’t date. It was too hard.
I did meet a guy at a friend’s house in August. He was the only person there that I didn’t know, and if April 2017 didn’t happen, then I would have been the first to go up to him and get to know him. Anyone who knows me knows I love people and learning what they’re all about. But it was August 2017. I was going to be cordial but not too much. After the party, I probably wasn’t ever going to see him again, so why should I put in much effort?
The mentality I came to have over the last several months was this:
- If you are a male, you are a shitty person until proven otherwise.
- I need to be physically stronger in order to be more capable of protecting myself.
- I am a fucking awesome person, and if someone I’m interested in or is interested in me doesn’t respect me as a human being, either they or I can walk out the door. No second chances.
- My body, my choice. If I want to wear a dress with thigh slits, I will. It’s not a free pass for any guy who thinks I’m their property to grab at. You can look, but you can’t touch.
- I still have nightmares…
Maybe the best way to describe it is like, before, even though I was independent and free-spirited and all that blah blah blah, there was still a sliver of wanting acceptance from other people including males. Now it’s like, “Like me? Hate me? Doesn’t matter. You’re not on my important people list anyways. Just don’t fuck with me and we’ll be good.”
Back to the story. Fast forward several hours, and I am sleeping next to him (nothing happened) and finally got the good sleep I’ve been chasing for the last 4 months. It was weird. I missed sleep.
So we dated… we are dating… we were dating?… we dated up until tomorrow, Monday, November 27th. I don’t know if dating is the right terminology. I don’t know what anything means in the dating world these days. We saw each other up until tomorrow.
He said we can’t see each other anymore, and will tell me why tomorrow. That’s part of the reasons for my tears.
Ask anyone who knows me, and they will say that I move to the beat of my own drum, and that beat is not evenly spaced out like on a metronome. My beat is more like a roller coaster: some parts slow and most parts fast. I try to slow waaaay down and take it easy on dates, but it’s hard to suppress my inner drummer. It was easier for me to not actively looking for dates. I’m a special person, and it will take a special person who will see that and be willing to hop on my crazy ride.
This guy did see the roller-coaster-drummer part of me, but he also managed to calm me down. I was intrigued by him. I liked hearing what he had to say. I liked him. I hadn’t liked someone for the last 6.5 years. I built up a pretty strong wall, and it was only starting to come down. To see things end so quickly… stings a bit. My wall is back up, and maybe I need to verify any incoming guests a lot longer next time around.
Leos, must you be so dramatic?! (I’m a Leo baby, by the way.)
I have no bad things to say about him. Maybe this will change tomorrow when I hear him out, but these words will stay: Some people are meant to be in your life temporarily. There’s a reason why they’re there, whether it is to provide solace during a time of grief, direction during a time of aimlessness, or comfort during a time of chaos. I was quite broken and he helped patch a little part of me. For that, I am grateful that he meandered through my life.
Oh, another reason 2017 was fucking hard: my grandmother recently passed away in October and I went to Taiwan for her funeral in November. That was a lot of fucking stress too. I ended up crying for me, my dad, my cousins… a lot of people. It was a lot of emotions to handle, and it all came bursting out.
I want 2018 to be here already.
I’m not a fan of Octobers, Novembers, and Decembers
I’ve not a huge fan of the end of the year, in particular October, November, and December. It’s the time of year where I’m especially vulnerable to feeling lonely, even if I’m surrounded by people.
Sophomore year in college was hard on me mentally for some reason. I went into depression during fall semester, so I’m reminded of that going through every fall/winter now. I won’t go into details because I’m exhausted from this emotional purge. Almost time for bed.
I’m nervous to see him tomorrow and hear what he has to say. I have no idea what he will or could say. I will definitely be wearing my Smashbox Always On Matte Liquid Lipstick in the color Bawse though.
I’m going to be okay eventually. For now, everything hurts a bit. And that’s okay too.